Wax existential

As I dropped the stylus into a test pressing of the new TMN record, I came upon a revolutionary discovery: my turntable plays records a semi-tone higher than intended! At first I was upset. Sure, I knew the shitty built-in speakers, the flimsy tone arm, and the cheap plastic pick-up cartridge were depriving my ears of a multitude of frequencies and introducing vast amounts of distortion, but still, raising the pitch of a record so much seemed to cross the line.

But then I realized, this actually saves me time! Consider this: if my turntable plays records so that it shortens the length of each one by sixty seconds, and I listen to an average of two records per day, that’s a whole hour every month I don’t have to be listening to stupid rocknroll. Instead, I can devote that precious time to something more important, like… uh… hmph. Damn turntable.